Relapse

Yesterday was my first iv chemotherapy treatment since 2019. It was hard to know how it would affect my body and mind this time around. The last time I received an iv chemotherapy treatment I vomited as soon as the bag of chemo entered my hospital room. I would have a panic attack for most of the infusion and would vomit up whatever was in my stomach until it was empty and then comes bile. There is so much trauma associated with chemotherapy that the panic attacks would leave me shaking and in distress. We tried to treat the panic attacks with Ativan and Benedryl. Ativan is a drug used for anxiety and Benedryl would be used as a sedative. No drug could stop my brain from panicking. I had so many chemo treatments that there was no drug that could stop the physical reaction that my brain produced. I felt so helpless and was truly suffering for two years straight. I never kept track of the number of chemotherapy infusions I have had but it probably surpassed thirty. So going into this chemo there were so many emotions passing through. I brought every distraction I could think of with me. From my laptop and Nintendo Switch to just a sleep mask to try to block out everything. Every effort to make it more comfortable is very valuable to me. It isn’t comfortable to get literal poison put inside of you. But if you can’t change the reality that you need to get poisoned to survive, you make it as manageable as possible. Although I just ended up speaking to people who popped into my room and watching reruns of Law and Order SVU. I’ve been speaking to a new therapist and the last week was hard because of anticipation for chemotherapy. She gave me the idea of meditation and finding my happy place. My happy place is my home, Montana, where I rooted myself. I imagine mossy pine trees as far as the eye can see. Rocks and pine needles on the ground with little shrubs and native grass. When the infusion started and the anxiety was building from my stomach to my chest, I just took a flight there in my mind. It was fuzzy and hard to focus with the amount of nausea circulating within me. It wasn’t a perfect distraction but I think its a practice I could get better at. It is more challenging to stay cool, calm, and collected as my cancer progresses. I have so much daily anxiety about my own mortality so much that it disrupts going out and living, which is pretty ironic. Surprisingly, I made it through the first chemo infusion with no vomiting or panic attack. So yesterday was a giant win and hopefully I can continue to manage this chemotherapy until surgery get scheduled. I will continue to make updates.